Don’t Leave Me in the Dark

Sometimes I smile out of habit.

 

I don’t notice when it’s dishonest,

Because I’m so used to convincing myself it’s true.

You can fake it so much that it turns into your reality,

Even when you are pretending.

 

But sometimes pretending seems more familiar to me than reality.

I continue repeating and hearing the sound over and over again—

Feeling the stretch across my skin—

Feeling the void of emotion—

“Please forgive me.”

 

My thoughts cry for forgiveness from this notion

That I will never be good enough to

Measure up and be the version of perfect

I want to see—

Or feel in my body.

 

Maybe perfection would give me peace,

Or maybe it would destroy me completely.

 

Wise Mind

I need to choose who I spend my time with wisely.

Time spent thinking,

Reliving,

Talking—

 

I need to not waste time on the negative memories,

Thoughts,

Words,

People,

Past hurts,

Because I deserve

To enjoy the time I have on this earth,

 

I will continue the search for

My wise mind,

And I will find a new way to see

The realities and inconsistencies

I am faced with every day.

 

I will face myself and my thoughts,

And deal with the words spoken over me,

I won’t allow myself to be on constant repeat–

Closing my eyes and my mouth–

 

I need to say

What I mean when I mean to say it,

And accept the consequences as a part of existence—

 

I will find wisdom in the moments

Between now and tomorrow,

And learn to let the heavy weight drop

And let it go–

 

Let it fall down like the rain,

Let is wash over me

And leave me with peace,

Let it remind me that everything can change,

Let it fall to my feet.

Messy

I am a mess.

 

My mind stops working and my words start falling

Out of my mouth like the clumsy ramblings

Of a middle school girl who doesn’t know

How to talk to boys yet.

 

I feel the corners of my mouth move involuntarily

When I look at you and see you smile.

Fire brushes my fingers when I touch your hair

Or hold your hand

And feel warmth creep up my body,

But I know I am holding onto borrowed time.

 

I am used to being the one leaving–

Jumping from state to state like a nomad

With no sense of place,

But my movement hits pause while yours hits play in a new city,

And I am met with this restless uncertainty

That settles over me as days grow shorter, nights longer,

And sleep fades away.

 

I don’t want you to fade, so I’ll keep my eyes open

And concentrate on the soft lines of your face

And the crooked way your mouth grins

As if you’re up to something.

 

I’ll trace my fingers over the parts of you

That give me warmth, comfort,

And a space to fit my body in some part of the living.

 

I’m going to miss walking with you while the city falls silent

Beneath old stone buildings and bell towers.

 

I’ll miss the ramen noodles with karaoke

And late night movies that went on for hours.

 

I’ll miss this span of time between the spaces of your fingers,

but I like this piece I get to have for now.

 

And when now turns into then,

I’ll remember the moments

When I listened to your voice in a city asleep.

 

Clarity.

Time seems to hide in my moments of clarity,

Like days will melt into years

With quiet mornings and him

Holding my hand

And drinking coffee.

But it is morning,

And I am alone.

His body is molded into a plastic chair

Learning coded messages

From pieces of technology

As he sends words to me

Through small screens and dying batteries.

I am sitting on the couch

Writing and planning for next week,

Imagining little voices calling out for me

To teach words and metaphors.

I am alone,

But in my dreams I will still have time to meet

And talk and laugh and listen.

I am alone,

But I hold him here.

That’s All I Want

I want us laughing over spilt coffee

Shuffling through a deck of cards

With our legs crossed.

I want that piece of sky

When last night becomes tomorrow morning

And our clothes try to hide

What we made in our memory.

I want our feet to cross over

The places that threatened our freedom.

I want the clock hands to get stuck

So we have more time to spend.

I want the papers and messages to cease

The overwhelming deadlines

So I can talk to you at night.

I want something to hold onto.

Like the days we take time to go for a drive,

Or when you take my hand and smile.

I want those days, and I want more nights—

I want us to remember the meaning of together.

That’s all I want.