Don’t Leave Me in the Dark

Sometimes I smile out of habit.

 

I don’t notice when it’s dishonest,

Because I’m so used to convincing myself it’s true.

You can fake it so much that it turns into your reality,

Even when you are pretending.

 

But sometimes pretending seems more familiar to me than reality.

I continue repeating and hearing the sound over and over again—

Feeling the stretch across my skin—

Feeling the void of emotion—

“Please forgive me.”

 

My thoughts cry for forgiveness from this notion

That I will never be good enough to

Measure up and be the version of perfect

I want to see—

Or feel in my body.

 

Maybe perfection would give me peace,

Or maybe it would destroy me completely.

 

Wise Mind

I need to choose who I spend my time with wisely.

Time spent thinking,

Reliving,

Talking—

 

I need to not waste time on the negative memories,

Thoughts,

Words,

People,

Past hurts,

Because I deserve

To enjoy the time I have on this earth,

 

I will continue the search for

My wise mind,

And I will find a new way to see

The realities and inconsistencies

I am faced with every day.

 

I will face myself and my thoughts,

And deal with the words spoken over me,

I won’t allow myself to be on constant repeat–

Closing my eyes and my mouth–

 

I need to say

What I mean when I mean to say it,

And accept the consequences as a part of existence—

 

I will find wisdom in the moments

Between now and tomorrow,

And learn to let the heavy weight drop

And let it go–

 

Let it fall down like the rain,

Let is wash over me

And leave me with peace,

Let it remind me that everything can change,

Let it fall to my feet.

Clarity.

Time seems to hide in my moments of clarity,

Like days will melt into years

With quiet mornings and him

Holding my hand

And drinking coffee.

But it is morning,

And I am alone.

His body is molded into a plastic chair

Learning coded messages

From pieces of technology

As he sends words to me

Through small screens and dying batteries.

I am sitting on the couch

Writing and planning for next week,

Imagining little voices calling out for me

To teach words and metaphors.

I am alone,

But in my dreams I will still have time to meet

And talk and laugh and listen.

I am alone,

But I hold him here.

Overseas

I don’t care about the mosquitoes.

It only keeps me on my toes,

And reminds my skin to be tough

So I can live in the differences.

I don’t care about the lack of electricity.

It only keeps me close to you

And it reminds my eyes to search harder

Through the dark so I can move.

I don’t care about the heat.

It only helps me bare myself more

And it reminds my hands to stay open

So I can be true to who I am.

I don’t care about the differences.

It only shows me more ways to love you

So I can find room to understand.

I don’t care about the dark,

As long as you hold my hand.