I need time to breathe
Or to time my breaths
But the counting creates a mood of apathy
Like I can’t stay awake like this—
And I’ve missed the reason
For methodically breathing
In and out.
It’s broken down for peace,
Not destructive thoughts
That beat up my heart,
But slow beats so I can stop and think,
And count to slow down every word racing
In my mind.
I want to stop hiding behind a glass wall.
I don’t want to wait for it to fall
Just so I can tip toe around the glass pieces
Holding distorted reflections of what I used to be.
Or how people see me.
I don’t care what they think.
I care about finding the light behind the door I closed 4 years ago.
I care about holding time close as I think about the future I don’t know.
I know what I need.
I need to stop thinking, keep counting, and move into the place that is meant for me.
I want to be free.
I am alone
In the streets of a foreign city
In the night when the people empty
Out of this place
I am not home
In these pieces of broken places
In my mind where I feel wasted
and lose my days
I find a bottle and let it fill me with
dread and fear
while blackened vision kills the feeling
so I can lie here
On the ground next to glass and trash
And abandoned lifeless things
I see myself in reflections of
So I die to myself
Every time I close my eyes
I try to accept
the parts of me that lie
But I won’t let go
Of the dark beneath my eyes
And I can’t say no
To the voices in my mind
I am alone
Talking sounds more like listening
To bursts of thunder crackling in the distance
Filling the room with static
Until the build up in our space becomes charged with rage–
Until everything has changed–
Until our bodies become nothing but pieces of wreckage:
A chaotic explosion for the barren wasteland
Where our minds are left behind to deal with the aftermath
made by our hands.
My mind is sick.
There is a cancerous
closing in on all sides
until my eyes close for the day
and give me time away
My mind is sick,
and I can’t escape it.
My bones are fractured in small cracks and lines
throughout my body.
I’ve been struck by a disaster that knows no category or scale to describe–
It has broken me into pieces and left me in screams of agony
From the absence of light.
I am fallen.