I am alone
In the streets of a foreign city
In the night when the people empty
Out of this place
I am not home
In these pieces of broken places
In my mind where I feel wasted
and lose my days
I find a bottle and let it fill me with
dread and fear
while blackened vision kills the feeling
so I can lie here
On the ground next to glass and trash
And abandoned lifeless things
I see myself in reflections of
So I die to myself
Every time I close my eyes
I try to accept
the parts of me that lie
But I won’t let go
Of the dark beneath my eyes
And I can’t say no
To the voices in my mind
I am alone
I have a block in my mind that weighs the rest of my body down
Until I am buried beneath the ground
Blinded by my apathy and self-doubt.
The block causes build up in my brain with random strains of words
That mean nothing–
It only cause my nerves to stay in the past tense of things
As I replay days over and over again
Until I feel sorry and sick
From my remembering and retelling of stories that have ended.
I don’t want any part of this collage of faulted thought,
But I can’t erase my mind block.
It overwhelms my ability to remove the piece stopping me
From moving forward–
So I am cursed to relive dead end passages
As I sink farther beneath the beginning.
My eyes hold the dark
Like an open tomb
My mouth cries out
For someone to look at me—
I hear the boards creak.
I feel the walls crack
As dust fills my nose
And the floors shake
Like an earthquake.
Light crawls through the spaces
And my body relaxes.
I am not alone in this darkness.
I see you standing beside the rubble
Looking at me,
Waiting with an open hand,
And I begin again.
I push my body through the pieces of concrete,
Your eyes found me.
Your hands took mine,
And we left this place.
This place of dry bones and fallen things.
I am scared of a lot of things.
I’m scared of ISIS, terrorism, disease, and people hiding in the dark, waiting for people like me. I am scared of him. I am scared of being alone, and having no one to go to. I am scared of disappointing my parents, getting pregnant before I get married, and not making it into grad school. I am scared of school. I am scared of losing everything, and dying before I get the chance to live,
But I love running outside in my bare feet, and making up words to songs. I love driving when everyone else is sleeping, and pretending like I am the only person left in a small country town with a name no one seems to remember. I love talking about nonsensical things with friends, and drinking underneath the stars that fall along the river.
My fears will not stop me from walking outside, and breathing in freshly cut grass, or the crisp mornings lining my windows. My fears will never leave me, but my love for life, and for people, will fuel enough excitement and energy to search for more.
More than black and white, and more than memories left behind in pictures.
I am writing this blog so I can continue to move past the darkness pressing into my sides, cutting into my lungs, while I look into my past. I want to breathe again, but first–I need to start from the beginning. Or maybe from the middle.
This is me.